Hubris & Hedonism - A Survival Guide: How to (Barely) Survive Wild Nights, Sexual Mess-capades, and the Outright Bizarre

1. Dodgy Substances & Over Indulgence: A Recipe for Regret

There was a time when I fancied myself something of a chemical king - an unshakable, iron-stomached drug connoisseur, impervious to the chaos that lesser mortals succumbed to. I have feverishly gobbled down heroic doses of psychedelics, juggled more stimulants than a Bolivian clown, and survived ingesting nocuous batches of drugs on more occasions than I care to admit. And, to be fair, there were times when it was spectacular. The kind of euphoric, mind-expanding experiences where the universe buzzed with technicolour marvels, and my own thoughts unfolded in glorious, neon-lit revelations. But then there were times when shit hit the fan like a septic tank caught in the crosshairs of an airplane engine. And believe me when I tell you - you’ll never truly understand the meaning of “regret” until you’re neck-deep in the throes of a psychedelic cataclysm - blindsided by a very different high than the one you were expecting from the drugs you’d just recklessly ingested. So, after years of pushing my limits and occasionally careening past them at full speed, here’s what I’ve learned.

How to Prevent, Survive and Make the Best of a Bad Decision:

• Test Your Drugs: If you are going to ignore any kind of truly sensible advice and slovenly gobble recreational chemicals despite the inherent risks, then for the love of god - TEST YOUR DRUGS. I have, on multiple occasions, purchased what I had thought was just a relatively innocuous bag of cocaine or MDMA, only to be unexpectedly catapulted into a reality-shattering, hallucinogenic hellscape or damn-near killed because what I’d actually consumed was a different drug entirely. Drug testing kits are inexpensive and are readily available online. At the very least you’ll be able to see how badly your dealer may be ripping you off, so grab yourself a few kits and be safe out there.
  

• Beware the Duds: If anyone ever says, “I think these are duds - let’s take more” - that person is either trying to sabotage your night or has the self-preservation instincts of a moth flying into a bonfire. If you are going to abuse substances, then at the very least be patient - give yourself plenty of time between taking any more, even if you don't feel it. Double dropping rarely ends without regret.

• Capture Epiphanies: If you suddenly have a life-changing epiphany during a psychedelic fever dream, write it down - 99% of the time you’ll forget it almost immediately. Although it will almost certainly not be the philosophical breakthrough you thought it was, it will undoubtedly be an entertaining read to revisit when sober.
  

• Check Your Ego: If you’ve been partying or tripping for so many years that you now consider yourself some kind of drug veteran or narcotic devouring champion - don’t fool yourself into thinking you can handle excessive amounts of drugs. Pushing boundaries with your drug intake is a wildly perilous venture. It’s rarely necessary or soberly rationalised, making it the perfect catalyst for inducing unexpected ego death, or actual death - neither is very fun.
  

• Ride the Lightning: If the ever-growing intensity of your trip suddenly has you regretting that second fist full of magic mushrooms or those additional slithers of acid, then try to embrace the chaos to the best of your rapidly waning ability. Any futile attempt to resist the eruption of psychedelia swelling within your soul will likely send you into a panic-stricken existential crisis like you’ve never endured before. Do your best to give yourself over to the trip completely. You’re along for the ride whether you like it or not, so try to relax and allow the trip to take you wherever it’s going to take you. This is far easier said than done, but you’ll likely have a better time if you can manage it.
  

• Trust Your Gut (Literally): If your stomach feels like it's hosting a rave on a carousel, it's probably time to call it a night. Vomiting or shitting yourself in public is rarely a good look, which I can assuredly attest to, regrettably.
  

• Buddy System: Pick a good, reliable, fun friend and stick with them like a fly to shit throughout whatever hedonistic adventures you have planned. This way, if one of you takes a few too many pills, begins vacantly wandering off into the wilderness, or finds themselves slipping into a bad trip, then the other buddy is there to make sure they’re okay and generally have their back. If all goes well, then at best what you’ve blessed yourself with is a top-self compadre with whom to share your chemical escapades with. This is a particularly good practice to adopt at festivals and/or when taking psychedelics.
  

2. Love, Lust, and Disastrous Rendezvous

Let's skip the romance and dive straight into the carnal escapades that make you question your life choices. From drug-fuelled orgies, to the uncharted territories of swinger clubs, I've clumsily navigated the treacherous waters of lust-fuelled misadventures. Here’s some of my key take-away’s:

Field Notes on Reckless Encounters:

• One-Night Stands: Fun in theory, complicated in practice. Ensure mutual consent and clear expectations. And for the love of all things holy, use protection - souvenirs from these encounters aren't the kind you want.
  

• Drug-fuelled Hook-ups: The hard-learned lesson here is that any chance of success with chemically inhibited intimacy typically hinges on whether or not you and your partner/s are all drinking from the same punch bowl, so to speak. Little else screams “inevitable clusterfuck” like hooking up with someone who isn’t twisted on the same substances you are. Take it from me - trying to maintain any sense of connection or presence with your lover whilst stricken with drug-induced panic is a herculean challenge. Harder still when you're watching your hands psychedelically melt into an epidermis soup across her back, all while she remains bent over in front of you, bemused and wondering what the fuck you’re doing back there. If you can achieve a congruous marriage of highs with your partner, then prepare yourselves for what will undoubtedly be a sensational sexual extravaganza. Also anticipate a severe lack of coordination and unbridled perspiration. Swinger Clubs Do's and Don'ts:
  

• Do: Research the venue. Not all establishments and/or events are created equal; some are more "Eyes Wide Shut," others more "awkward potluck with nudity."
  

• Don't: Assume everyone's game for anything. Consent isn't just sexy; it's mandatory. Don’t be one of those drunken, rowdy lads who venture in after a night out - salaciously lurking around the club trying to sneak a peek into one of the playrooms or thinking it’s just an easy place to get laid. These places have strict etiquette for a good reason. They provide a safe, comfortable space for the sexually explorative - not a hunting ground for the venereally predacious.
  

• Do: Set boundaries beforehand. Know what you're comfortable with and communicate it clearly. This is especially true if you attend with a partner - make sure you’re on the same page about what you’re both open to, what your boundaries are, what you’d like to experience and how you’d both like to experience it. Communication is key here.
  

• Don't: Forget to shower. Seriously, hygiene isn't optional.
  

• Do: Check the dress code. Sometimes the dress code can be very strict, depending on what kind of event the club is hosting. Best case scenario, you get turned away at the door for not wearing the correct kind of attire. Worst case? You make my mistake and nervously potter into your first swinger club experience only to discover you’re the only dickhead wearing a pair of jeans and a short sleeve shirt in a room full of leather-clad doms and subs. Or, if you’re like my friend who unwisely heeded the advice I offered following my own wardrobe disaster - you stride in confidently, only to find you’re the only dickhead wearing a pair of tight leather trousers and chainmail vest in a club full of patrons wearing regular clothes.
  

• Don't: Get too drunk or take drugs, especially psychedelics - trust me. Not only are most venues notoriously strict about drug use, but getting high is also an extremely efficient way to render yourself completely useless for any of the wild and wonderful encounters you might have otherwise enjoyed.

3. Bizarre Encounters and Unwitting Escapades: When Life Gets Weird

Some people live their lives in a relatively predictable fashion - home, work, social drinks, maybe the occasional holiday disaster or ill-advised office party hookup. And then there are unfortunate idiots like me - people who somehow, without trying, find themselves caught in situations so absurd, so outrageously unhinged, that they sound entirely fabricated. Over the years I have fended off would-be rapists with decorative Japanese weaponry, clumsily fucked in squalid hotel orgies after unknowingly consuming potent psychedelics and have been thrust into moments of such sheer insanity that I’ve had to pause mid-chaos just to ask myself, "how the fuck did I get here?". Sometimes, these misadventures have been self-inflicted - the karmic, natural consequence of poor planning, reckless spontaneity, or trusting the worst possible people in the worst possible situations. Other times, I was simply collateral damage, sucked into the madness by sheer proximity to idiots with terrible ideas. Either way, there are lessons to be learned.The thing about finding yourself knee-deep in absolute mayhem is that there’s rarely a neat and tidy escape plan. But if experience has taught me anything, it’s that survival isn’t just about quick reflexes or good luck - it’s about knowing how to navigate the absurdity without completely losing control. So, whether you’re dealing with an escalating disaster, an unpredictable lunatic, or a situation where shit has well and truly hit the fan, here are some tried and tested strategies for making it out the other side (relatively) intact.

Assess the Madness (Before You Make It Worse):

When chaos erupts, your first instinct might be to act first and think later - which is exactly how I once found myself in the middle of a failed burglary, staring down the barrels of two rifles wielded by a pair of furious, wild-eyed maniacs. Before you blindly react, take a second to determine if the situation actually requires your intervention. Sometimes, the best course of action is to stay still, stay quiet, and let the storm pass. Other times, you may need to immediately extract yourself before you become too deeply implicated in whatever crime or catastrophe is unfolding around you.

• Pause for a second and ask yourself: Am I actively in danger, or am I just adjacent to idiots?
  

• If the answer is adjacent to idiots, step away immediately. Do not let other people’s bad decisions drag you down with them.
  

• If the chaos is already in motion, act fast - but not dumb. Running blindly from an imagined threat can end with you lost in a dense, swampy forest for three hours, running from your own rescue team. Yes, that happened​.
  

Don’t Trust the Wild Card:

Every group has one - the friend who should never be left unsupervised, the guy whose mere presence guarantees that whatever started as a tame evening will end with property damage, police involvement, or surgery. I have known many of these people, and I have suffered dearly for it. The problem with the wild card is that their energy can be contagious and every single one of them seems to be innately gifted with phenomenal persuasive powers - able to convince even the most unwilling participants that their patently terrible idea has the potential for glory. So when the wild card proposes embarking on a mischievous caper - it’s very easy to get dragged along for whatever deplorable lunacy they have in store, so here are some mental cues you can employ to keep yourself grounded before you make another poor decision:

• If the group idiot starts getting "ideas," assume things are about to take a turn.
  

• If their brilliant plan includes phrases like "trust me, it’ll be hilarious," or "what’s the worst that could happen?" - whatever follows will undoubtedly be hysterical, and then the worst thing will probably happen.
  

• If you can’t avoid indulging them, at least don’t let them be the one making the decisions. The wild card should never be the navigator, the getaway driver, or in charge of carrying anything illegal.

The Delicate Art of Dealing With a Lunatic:

Whether it’s a crazed crackhead rambling an impassioned anecdote about being abducted by an alien spacecraft in the form of an upside down pirate ship, or some irascible drunken hooligan attempting to shit-talk his way into a physical altercation - I have, through much trial and error, developed a reliable escape strategy: Deescalate, Distract & Disappear.

• Deescalate: Keep your tone calm and agreeable. Nothing enrages a lunatic faster than someone challenging their delusions. If a man insists he’s the rightful King of Norway, don’t argue - just nod and say, “That makes sense.” If a drunk wants to fight because you “looked at him funny”, reassure him you were just admiring his impeccable fashion sense. People looking for a fight thrive on resistance - give them none, and with any luck they’ll eventually get bored.
  

• Distract: If de-escalation isn’t working, shift their focus. I find eliciting absolute confusion is the most effective method. Nothing stunts a verbal tirade like a statement or question plucked from the head of a madman: “What’s the difference between a camel?” or “Sorry I’m late - my friend tricked me into watching badgers fight.” This should trigger an almost visible loading screen above their heads, providing an opportune moment to promptly enact the final stage of my escape strategy.
  

• Disappear: Once you’ve successfully stalled them, it’s time to get out of there. A well-timed bathroom break, an enthusiastic wave at an imaginary friend across the room, or just slowly backing away until you dissolve into the night - whatever it takes, exit smoothly before they regain focus. If you’re feeling particularly dramatic, apologetically pull out your phone mid-confrontation, begin wandering off and say something like, “Not a chance, mate! I couldn’t possibly stomach another badger skirmish this evening, but yeah - let’s get to the bottom of this camel thing ASAP.”
  

Final Thought: Sometimes, You Just Have to Ride It Out

When all else fails, sometimes the best thing you can do is embrace the absurdity and roll with it. I’ve been caught in situations where logic and reason ceased to apply, where the best/only course of action wasn’t to fight back, flee, or attempt to fix things - but simply to lean into the madness and hope for the best:

• Take a breath. Accept the madness. Do not make things worse.
  

• Find the least ridiculous way out, and take it.
  

• And above all - if nothing else - at least make sure the story is worth telling later.